I fell in love with being defiant.

|| Fuck I'm sick. Went to the walk in clinic today and found out I have sinusitis, which sounds fancier than sinus infection.

|| I updated The Florid Florist on Tuesday? I think it was Tuesday. The next segment is not coming along at all. I can't quite get the characters to say what I want. Well, mostly it's Harvey. Harvey you bastard.

|| I'm probably going to end up going with Dad to pick out a headstone tomorrow. This is something I am not looking forward to at all. Even though it's been three months since my mom died I haven't been to the grave once since the funeral. I feel bad about it but just the idea of it makes me want to burst in to tears.

Still, I guess I should man up and just do it. I also wanted to get some bulbs planted since our cemetery lets you plant flowers at the grave sites but I'm unsure now if it's too late in the year or not. I messaged Sabrina (My friend studying Botany) but she's notoriously bad at responding to messages so who knows when I'll get a reply. I was thinking Daffodils and other Narcissus plants.

|| I got The Sims Pets a couple of days ago. The pets are so cute, omg. I haven't had much time to play it yet but it sure looks pretty, lol.

Edit OMG I THINK MY EX IS FLIRTING WITH ME OVER FACEBOOK. WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!

// I had a nightmare Wednesday night that was just awful. I dreamed about being in the emergency room after the accident, but instead of just my mom dying, my dad and brother were dead too. It's managed to really freak me and left me so unbalanced. I actually left my phone in Whitehall (the main classroom building at my university). Luckily a girl found it and called my dad who asked her to bring it to his office (he works at my university).

// I've had some trouble with my writing because of the nightmare. I feel bad about not updating The Florid Florist the past couple of days but I just can't focus on my writing. I think I'll be able to write tomorrow though. If I'm not too busy. I actually have a lot to do tomorrow.

// School wise I'm doing well. I'm rocking at Italian. I got 102% on our first test and I'm pretty sure I got an A on the second one that we took Thursday.

// Time for a meme! yay!

>>>>> Reply to this post and I will pick five of your userpics for you to talk about in your journal. And others will do the same and this will create a never-ending loop of icon squee, etc, etc, let's talk about ICONS.



acquiescence_ picked out these icons for me:


- I made this one! It's from Kuroshitsuji. Honestly it's one of the funniest scenes in the manga, I think. Poor Sebastian. He loves kitties, but they don't love him~
- PIKACHU! Who doesn't love Pikachu? He's adorable! I was actually big in to Pokemon back when it first came out. I was like 9 or so then? I especially like this Pikachu drawing because he's so adorable pudgy. I WANT TO PINCH HE'S LITTLE CHEEKS!
- THE OLD SPICE GUY! WITH A MONOCLE! How can you not love the old spice guy? And also monocles.
- LOL. Saito's face. I love it. Honestly Saito was once of my favorite characters in this movie. He was such a BAMF. OH SAITO, YOU AND YOUR MONEY AND BUYING AIRLINES AND SKEPTICAL!EYEBROWS.
- MOZZIE! He's my favorite White Collar character. Which is kinda ridiculous but whatevs. Mozzie's the shit, yo! I just love his expression here, he's all 'Don't think I'm not on to you.'

ღ God, I fucking suck. I'm sorry I have so totally failed when it comes to posting and commenting and shit. I actually do usually read everyone's entries, but something about commenting or even replying to my own comments just seems so hard. Which is so utterly ridiculous. Somehow just getting up the motivation to do anything that requires putting my thoughts down in coherent words is completely beyond me it seems.

ღ That segues nicely in to my topic: grieving fucking sucks. You know that five stages of grief idea? Yeah, that's complete and utter bullshit. DON'T BELIEVE IT~

I'll tell you how grief works.

You'll be completely fine one minute, and then you're totally blindsided by this overwhelming feeling of sad. It's not even sorrow because that's the first couple weeks when everything in the world makes you cry. This isn't sharp like that. Just a bone deep feeling of sadness that's always waiting for a quiet moment to sneak up and wrap around your heart so all you feel is 'I miss them. I hate this. I wish they were here.'. So you never want those quiet moments. You try to stay busy and distracted because if you sit and you think you just get drowned in all these feelings.

Feelings suck.

And you know, sometimes it still doesn't seem real. And it's not denial. I know it's real and she's gone and I'm never going to see her again or talk to her again or hug her again.

The days just keep marching on and before you even realize it you're building a new life without them because it never stops even when they're gone.

Shit. I didn't mean for this to be all about my mom again.

ღ So since I'm having such trouble with my writing I'm thinking about trying to write for some of the Kink Memes that are around. I probably would not be writing the actual kinky stuff, because I think I would die of spontaneous combustion should I try, but maybe trying to write short little things for prompts will get me back in the creative mood. Do any of you have any prompts for me? I'll write for Suits, Sherlock, White Collar, KHR, and a handful of other things. Mostly Gen.

ღ School is going well. I'm liking Italian, even if I can't roll my r's.

ღ I'll be going to SugoiCon in November. I just booked my room. I'm so excited but I'm not sure I'll be cosplaying this year.

Jeez LJ has sucked shriveled old balls the past few days. Trying to post anything has been a bitch and a half, so I gave up, lol.

About Me:

I'm doing well. My scrapes and bruises are healing quite fast. However I bruised my coccyx and that's just a pain in the ass. Ba-dum-cha. (Terrible jokes are my way of coping.)

Emotionally I'm, well not okay exactly but not terribly depressed either. I'm sad, obviously, but it's not depression. After so many years dealing with it I can tell the difference. I don't feel hopeless or lethargic or like I can't laugh or be happy. I just miss my mom. I want to talk to her. That's what I miss most, talking with her. We talked everyday no matter where we were. Even when I was in Japan we talked every single night. I could tell her anything. I don't have anyone like that now. Other than that it's all the lost possibilities that get to me. She'll never see me graduate or get a real job or get married or buy a house or have kids. Never see my kids do those things.

In other news I've been trying to go out and do things, especially with my friends. That seems to shock people. So does the fact I'm not crying ten times a day. Ok, yeah, I could stay in bed all day and cry, I could. But that's not going to help me feel better, and it's not what my mom would want. Plus I don't see where anyone else gets off telling me how I should grieve for my mom.

So far I've seen two movies in theatres the past two weeks;

1. Captain America - Awesome movie, even though it does feel like a prequel (it basically is).
2. Horrible Bosses - OMG I laughed so hard. I haven't laughed this hard since, I don't even remember. Excellent movie. I would say it's not for anyone under 16 though. Heed that R rating!

Tomorrow I see two more movies at the drive in: Cowboys & Aliens and Bridesmaids (yeah, I don't know why they're pairing those two but since I wanted to see them both and the drive in is cheap, meh)

I've also gone out for dinner a couple times and I might go see the Black Lips in concert on Tuesday, might.

Trying to plan the rest of my New York trip too. Any ideas?

Fandom wise I have been out of the loop. Need to get caught up on everything, except for the awesomeness that is Burn Notice and my newest obsession Suits. And those are only because On Demand tv exists, lol.

EDIT: I forgot, new mix up at robbing_banks. It's titled Death (& what comes after)