I fell in love with being defiant.

So sorry I haven't posted in so long! But I come baring excuses reasons:

1. On the way home from Mamaw's someone stole my wallet out of my car at a shell station in Tennesee. SOMEONE STOLE MY FUCKING WALLET! Everything just gone! 100 dollars cash, all my credit cards, my debit card, my id, my uni id, everything.

2. So I've been trying to replace all of it and in the meantime all I can do is bum my mother's debit card whenever I need anything.

3. Hung out with Laurel before she left to start her internship. We saw Source Code which is actually really, really good. I was surprised how interesting it was. We also discussed our plans to go to New York City in August (which will be incredibly, awfully hot but is the only time we both have free).

4. Still trying to work things out at Ashland for my internship. The wallet fiasco distracted me.

5. I am tired. Just tired. I will try to have a better post up soon.

That trip I was so excited about? 6 weeks in Japan? It's been cancelled. No explanation why, just a note from the advisor of the Japan study abroad programs "regretfully informing" us that's its cancelled and the see him to talk about alternative programs.

THERE ARE NO FUCKING ALTERNATIVE PROGRAMS FOR ME Most of the other programs either cost twice as much or require a GPA I don't have or both. The only one that doesn't goes to some dirt poor village in the middle of Nowhere Fucking Mexico teaching little brats English. The only Spanish I speak? Enchilada and Taco.

This was the only time I had for study abroad and now it's just not going to happen.

I want to cry. I have been crying. Shit, I'm tearing up now.

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with me summer now. Probably work, if I can find a job, which is doubtful. The only places hiring in Lexington is Wal-Mart and I'd rather put a fucking bullet in my brain before I ever work in that cesspool.

When I told my mom she said "We'll come up with something." No we won't. My parents were going to scrounge and scrape and borrow if need be for me to go on this program. They wouldn't do that for anything less than school. Then she suggested going "out west" which means driving around the middle of fucking nowhere Montana looking at dirt and trees and mountains. No. Just No. I don't Nature I want Cities, and Culture, and Art, and Excitement. My mom wants to go out west, she's been trying to cajole us in to it for years now.

Shit. Now I'm full-blown crying.

So most likely what will happen is I'll spend this summer doing nothing. Just like I did last summer. I'll visit my Mamaw in (again) middle of fucking nowhere North Carolina. Where I'll have to listen to her bitch at me to do things like mop her floors and vaccum her rugs and put up with her correcting my perfectly fine driving. (You go 45 in a 50 zone and you're driving too fast for her). No internet, no cell phone, no civilization, just basic satellite tv. Then I'll go up to Cape Cod, which I've only done for the las 21 years of my life. Where I'll get to put up with my Dad's family, listen to my mom bitch about my dad's family, explain to my dad that I just don't do swimming in the ocean (or a lake or a pool), and basically spend two weeks without internet (again) and trying to convince my dad to do something. We'll spend one day in Boston doing what I want and Shopping (because we are always there for my birthday, so instead of getting drunk with my friends at a club I'll be having a stuffy dinner with my 98 year old grandfather), then we'll come home. And I will continue to wallow until School starts back up.

Shit. I know I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion. I'm just so sad, and angry, and dissapointed. And you know what, I'm jealous. Of all my friends that have gotten to do study abroad, because I can honestly say that three/fourths of them have. All my friends are leaving at the end of this semester too. Going to Grad school or to get a job, but not me. I'm not graduating on time so I'm just going to stay in fucking Lexington. I hate Lexington. There is nothing here. Honestly nothing. I was excited when we got a Sephora, so that should tell you the state of the shopping around here. There is very little club scene, which I'm not in to anyway. No museums, little theater. There's horse racing two months out of the year but I just don't care. And there's basketball, one of the worst sports around to watch, I could put up with Baseball, but our minor league team sucks.

God this has turned in to an awfully long rant. I'm sorry. I guess I just needed to vent. I also need sad music. Apparently I have none.

Also: I'd hate to know what I'd feel like if I weren't on anti-depressants.

It's Monday! Yay! (No!)

+ I probably did not fail my test in my Methods of Soft Power and the Japanese Tea Ceremony class. Yeah. That's a class.

+ I should be working on my Chinese culture take home exam, but I is laaaa~zy. And it's not due until two tomorrow. I swear if it weren't for the prospect of imminent failure looming in front of me I'd never get anything done.

+ Scheduled two doctor's appointments for the next week. One is with my endocrinologist, so that's nothing new, but one is with a dermatologist. I'm so freaking pissed of. I used to have horrible acne, but then it cleared up in High School and I had fabulous skin, now the acne is back and it's awful. Apparently my PCOS can cause acne, but I'm not waiting for the endocrinologist to suggest me more pills that DON'T FUCKING WORK! I'm a tad upset that I've been seeing this guy for 6 mos with NOTHING to show for it.

+ I've been writing! Shocking! Don't have a heart attack, haha. But seriously, I'm 3/4ths of the way done with a fic. My first in months! I'm a little ashamed to admit that actually. I also now have all these ideas for a KHR/White Collar crossover, so we'll see how that goes. I run out of steam with them half way through so nothings really useable yet, ugh.

+ Caught up with my manga, now I just need to catch up on Star Driver and I'm set, you know, until I get behind again dies