straightrhodes: (anatomy | skeleton back)
The end of the semester just completely snuck up on me. I can't believe classes are over. What's up with that? Now I'm feeling all sad and shit because this is really the end of an era.

The biggest chunk of my college friends are leaving at the end of July. Erin's off to Hawaii. Sabrina's going to Georgia. I'm not sure where Laurel is going but she wants to find a journalism job. Chase is graduating. Kim is graduating. So many other people too. The only friends I'll have left, really friends, are Laura, Jennifer, and Sarah. And I'm just not as close to them as I want to be, as maybe I could be if I just manned up and tried a little harder.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to pull away from everyone, as is my wont to do, and just end up lonely, only communicating with my family. It's happened before. I need to try harder at making friends but I actually have a really hard time doing so. A horrible, awful 4th and 5th grade spent being teased by my whole class (their favorite name for me was The Germ) and alienated to the point that I just wanted to die at the age of ten made it so putting myself out there to strangers is nearly impossible. Honestly I've always relied on Erin, Erin's friends became my friends and how shitty is that? All she does anymore is piss me off and stress me out but I'm so scared I won't be able to get friends on my own if she leaves.

When did I become so pathetic?

Shit. I know part of this is just that we've been messing with my anti-depressants so my depression is getting the best of me again, but a lot of it is real concern too.

It doesn't help that my dad is always ragging on me. "Why don't you hang out with your friends on campus?" "Why don't you eat lunch with them?" "Why don't you go out more" He wants me to be more the 'typical college kid' which includes eating lunch with friends and wearing t-shirts and jeans everyday (gag me, just gag me). I know he just thinks that's what will make me happy because he remembers his undergrad years as being so great but it really grates on me how hard he pushes.

I'm so sorry to my flist for this stupid rant too but I think I just really needed to get it all out.

Now to make me feel better some things I'm looking forward to:
1. Sabrina and Jamil's wedding. Rehearsal is Friday, wedding Saturday. I'm so excited.
2. Working at Ashland, even if I'm not getting paid
3. Cape Cod (I go every year but I still really enjoy it, mostly)
4. New York City with Laurel (I hope, I hope, I hope)
5. Cleaning my room (I actually enjoy the process of doing this but haven't gotten around to it in um months.)
straightrhodes: (One of Those Days)
I'm wrecking everything. I've been put back on academic probation. This is like the 3rd time since I started going to Uni. I think I'm seriously messed up in the head because everything will start perfectly fine, but next thing I know I sabotage myself and my grades instantly tank.

I've really managed to screw things up and waste a lot of my parents money.

Plus the new semester starts Wednesday and I still haven't completed all my course work for last semester.

And I got a D, a fucking D, in Anth. Theory. Luckily I can retake it, hopefully with a different teacher who is not nearly so much of a total bitch.

I'm hoping the work me and my doctor have done to regulate my medicine will help everything, but I know part of the problem lies with me, not just my anxiety and depression.

In good news I'm going to D.C. the 23rd through the 25th. If nothing else I have that to look forward to.
straightrhodes: (One of Those Days)


Today I had my third panic attack in two weeks. School has just gotten so stressful for me. I'm missing deadlines and freaking out. I don't talk to any of my friends in real life. I just feel so horrible all the time. So I asked to take incompletes in three of my classes. That means I'll be given some extra time to do the assignments so maybe I won't be throwing up in the middle of the night anymore. Tomorrow I go to the doctor to get a stronger anti-depressant. Mine just isn't working anymore. I spent the last hour crying.

In other news the kitten still isn't letting me sleep. It doesn't help my mood much. But she is adorable. Which helps my mood a lot.


straightrhodes: (Default)

We've always known there was something wrong with me, aside from the Obessive Compulsive Disorder, the Generalized Anxiety Disorder, the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and my strange ability to attract all freaks within a five mile radius (seriously, I get followed around by schizophrenic homeless dudes on a depressingly regular basis). Turns out I have dysgraphia (probably). Which means I can't write for shit, yay! Literally this means that I can't write. My hand writing sucks and is irregular, I write slowly, I can't read cursive or write it, my spelling is atrocious, I leave out words and write the wrong words/letters, and my arm hurts after a short period of writing. We suspected I had a learning disability, but since my reading level is so high and my visual learning is fine (although I'm actually an auditory learner) we couldn't really understand it. But it's probably Dysgraphia, a relatively recent discovery, so recent that many states don't recognize it as a disability in schools yet.

My specific type of dysgraphia is dyslexic dysgraphia (which has nothing to do with dyslexia).

Ripped from Wiki:
With dyslexic dysgraphia, spontaneously written work is illegible, copied work is fairly good, and spelling is bad. Finger tapping speed (a method for identifying fine motor problems) is normal, indicating the deficit does not likely stem from cerebellar damage. A dyslexic dysgraphic does not necessarily have dyslexia.

I'm better at typing by far, btw, although I still triple check all my posts before clicking Post. Errors still get through though.

At least I don't have cerebellar damage. That would suck.

Kitten Watch '10: The cats still aren't getting along and Turtle is driving me crazy wanting to play at 3 in the morning. But she's still so cute! And I don't think my dog even knows we have a new kitten.


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straightrhodes

December 2011

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