straightrhodes: (sherlock | waste of make-up)
|| Fuck I'm sick. Went to the walk in clinic today and found out I have sinusitis, which sounds fancier than sinus infection.

|| I updated The Florid Florist on Tuesday? I think it was Tuesday. The next segment is not coming along at all. I can't quite get the characters to say what I want. Well, mostly it's Harvey. Harvey you bastard.

|| I'm probably going to end up going with Dad to pick out a headstone tomorrow. This is something I am not looking forward to at all. Even though it's been three months since my mom died I haven't been to the grave once since the funeral. I feel bad about it but just the idea of it makes me want to burst in to tears.

Still, I guess I should man up and just do it. I also wanted to get some bulbs planted since our cemetery lets you plant flowers at the grave sites but I'm unsure now if it's too late in the year or not. I messaged Sabrina (My friend studying Botany) but she's notoriously bad at responding to messages so who knows when I'll get a reply. I was thinking Daffodils and other Narcissus plants.

|| I got The Sims Pets a couple of days ago. The pets are so cute, omg. I haven't had much time to play it yet but it sure looks pretty, lol.

Edit OMG I THINK MY EX IS FLIRTING WITH ME OVER FACEBOOK. WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!
straightrhodes: (wc | coffee timez)
God, I fucking suck. I'm sorry I have so totally failed when it comes to posting and commenting and shit. I actually do usually read everyone's entries, but something about commenting or even replying to my own comments just seems so hard. Which is so utterly ridiculous. Somehow just getting up the motivation to do anything that requires putting my thoughts down in coherent words is completely beyond me it seems.

That segues nicely in to my topic: grieving fucking sucks. You know that five stages of grief idea? Yeah, that's complete and utter bullshit. DON'T BELIEVE IT~

I'll tell you how grief works.

You'll be completely fine one minute, and then you're totally blindsided by this overwhelming feeling of sad. It's not even sorrow because that's the first couple weeks when everything in the world makes you cry. This isn't sharp like that. Just a bone deep feeling of sadness that's always waiting for a quiet moment to sneak up and wrap around your heart so all you feel is 'I miss them. I hate this. I wish they were here.'. So you never want those quiet moments. You try to stay busy and distracted because if you sit and you think you just get drowned in all these feelings.

Feelings suck.

And you know, sometimes it still doesn't seem real. And it's not denial. I know it's real and she's gone and I'm never going to see her again or talk to her again or hug her again.

The days just keep marching on and before you even realize it you're building a new life without them because it never stops even when they're gone.

Shit. I didn't mean for this to be all about my mom again.

So since I'm having such trouble with my writing I'm thinking about trying to write for some of the Kink Memes that are around. I probably would not be writing the actual kinky stuff, because I think I would die of spontaneous combustion should I try, but maybe trying to write short little things for prompts will get me back in the creative mood. Do any of you have any prompts for me? I'll write for Suits, Sherlock, White Collar, KHR, and a handful of other things. Mostly Gen.

School is going well. I'm liking Italian, even if I can't roll my r's.

I'll be going to SugoiCon in November. I just booked my room. I'm so excited but I'm not sure I'll be cosplaying this year.
straightrhodes: (anatomy | skeleton back)
Holy cheese logs! Has it really been so long since I last posted? *checks lj* Yes, yes it has.

Oops.

So my trip to New York was amazing and wonderful and also very hot and humid. But I'm used to that seeing as I LIVE IN THE SWEAT LODGE KNOWN AS KENTUCKY! sorry it's just really hot here today

I'll make a separate post about my trip once I get my photos ready. And this time I mean it! probably

In other news: Classes started today. I only have Italian on Monday/Wednesday, it looks much easier than Japanese. Tomorrow I have Italian (it's a m/t/w/r class), Art of Edo Era Japan, Art of the Enlightenment, and Art Objects of Asia. Too many classes in one day! I'm not sure why but all the art history classes are on t/r for some reason.

I think I'm going to like this semester. Dr. Allaire is the Italian teacher and she was really nice when I talked to her about potentially having panic attacks in class and needing to leave. Dr. Maske teaches two of my other classes and he's really nice and likes me. I don't know the last person but it's hard to imagine she won't be understanding.

Music: Obsessing over Christina Perri atm. Also working on a Sherlock/John mix

Writing: So before the accident I had some stuff. That stuff vanished along with the hard drive I had it on, probably lying in pieces on the Ohio interstate. Now I can't write anything that is not COMPLETE AND UTTER SHIT! It's like all my inspiration and motivation has flown out the window! I guess that's not surprising with everything that's happened though.

Mom Stuff: Still missing mom of course. I could almost swear I feel sadder now than I did before, but I'm sure that's not true. This Saturday is my parents anniversary, the first since she died. I don't think my dad will handle it well. We'll probably take flowers to the grave. I'll cry. Dad'll cry. My brother'll cry. God, when do things start getting better?
straightrhodes: (misc | megane)
Jeez LJ has sucked shriveled old balls the past few days. Trying to post anything has been a bitch and a half, so I gave up, lol.

About Me:

I'm doing well. My scrapes and bruises are healing quite fast. However I bruised my coccyx and that's just a pain in the ass. Ba-dum-cha. (Terrible jokes are my way of coping.)

Emotionally I'm, well not okay exactly but not terribly depressed either. I'm sad, obviously, but it's not depression. After so many years dealing with it I can tell the difference. I don't feel hopeless or lethargic or like I can't laugh or be happy. I just miss my mom. I want to talk to her. That's what I miss most, talking with her. We talked everyday no matter where we were. Even when I was in Japan we talked every single night. I could tell her anything. I don't have anyone like that now. Other than that it's all the lost possibilities that get to me. She'll never see me graduate or get a real job or get married or buy a house or have kids. Never see my kids do those things.

In other news I've been trying to go out and do things, especially with my friends. That seems to shock people. So does the fact I'm not crying ten times a day. Ok, yeah, I could stay in bed all day and cry, I could. But that's not going to help me feel better, and it's not what my mom would want. Plus I don't see where anyone else gets off telling me how I should grieve for my mom.

So far I've seen two movies in theatres the past two weeks;

1. Captain America - Awesome movie, even though it does feel like a prequel (it basically is).
2. Horrible Bosses - OMG I laughed so hard. I haven't laughed this hard since, I don't even remember. Excellent movie. I would say it's not for anyone under 16 though. Heed that R rating!

Tomorrow I see two more movies at the drive in: Cowboys & Aliens and Bridesmaids (yeah, I don't know why they're pairing those two but since I wanted to see them both and the drive in is cheap, meh)

I've also gone out for dinner a couple times and I might go see the Black Lips in concert on Tuesday, might.

Trying to plan the rest of my New York trip too. Any ideas?

Fandom wise I have been out of the loop. Need to get caught up on everything, except for the awesomeness that is Burn Notice and my newest obsession Suits. And those are only because On Demand tv exists, lol.

EDIT: I forgot, new mix up at [livejournal.com profile] robbing_banks. It's titled Death (& what comes after)
straightrhodes: (text | don't keep calm)
So you all know how I've been having problems with Erin lately. Well eventually she told my she wasn't coming to my Birthday party because she needed to pack for her move THAT'S NOT UNTIL AUGUST! We emailed back and forth (her calling my a bitch at one point) and she said she would come if it was so important to me at which point I told her not to bother because we were both clearly upset and neither of us would enjoy it.

A couple hours later I decided that enough was enough. Erin hasn't been a real friend to me in about a year. Has in fact been incredibly rude and hurtful at times. So I wrote her a message saying that I thought it would be best if we didn't hang out or talk for a while.

I made sure to state that:

1. We were both at fault
2. Neither of us were happy
3. We had grown up in to different people than we were at 11
4. I still care for her and will always love her
5. I hope we could be friends again one day
6. It wasn't a personal attack against her

She sent me back a message I can only describe as hateful (and largely untrue). The main bullet points:

1. She wasn't apologizing because she had apologized enough
- Truth: I never asked her to apologize in my letter, and I can't even remember the last time she apologized to me even though I apologized to her all the time.

2. I apparently think I never make mistakes
- Truth: I stated in my letter three times that I too was part of the problem, that it wasn't all on her

3. Finally you got the message that I was tired of you
- Truth: She's constantly inviting me to do things. Also, that's just plain mean to say

4. One of the main reasons I was keeping up with you there for awhile was because you were storing my stuff at your house
- Truth: I stored upwards of twenty-five boxes of stuff at my house for her, in the garage and my dining room, for almost two years. Free of charge. It was constantly in the way even though I assured her several times it was fine. I have never asked her for a favor of that magnitude. I once asked her to pet sit and paid her 12 dollars a day to do it.

5. I felt I could tell you my problems, but you betrayed me by telling your mom.
-Truth: I listened to her bitch and moan and whine over everything from money, to class, to her mother/boyfriends/other friends, to her eating-disorder-she-refused-to-call-an-eating-disorder, to her job, everything. When I tried to talk about my problems she refused to listen. And yeah I told my mom. Telling my mom is like telling my shrink. Plus sometimes I was concerned about her and thought getting the advice of an adult would be best.

6. I never considered you my best friend and never told you as to not hurt your feelings
- Truth: Whether she admitted it or not I was her best friend. I was the one she went to for help, and who did her favors, and listened to everything. And actually every time she got mad at me she pulled that one out.

7. You think the world owes you everything just because you are who you are
- Truth: Everything I have I either worked hard for or my parents did. Erin's parents on the other hand were losers who didn't go to college when the could have (Her mom had a full scholarship and didn't take it so she could mess around being a hippie). Erin now thinks that the government and her colleges should provide her everything because of her parents low income. I get no financial aid and no help from the school.

8. I was trying to be the mature adult and be nice to you
- Truth: One, it's not mature to be attacking me like this, and two, being a mature adult isn't about hiding your feelings but talking about them calmly and rationally.

9. I've gone through a few friend break-ups so one more isn't going to hurt me
- Truth: This was my first. And I'm actually still friends with most of the people she 'broke up' with. What does that say about her?

10. I'm sorry Sabrina's moving away, now you two can't talk about me and you'll be lonely
- Truth: Me and Sabrina don't just talk about her, she has been awful to Sabrina (who is just about the kindest person ever) and I do have several other friends at university. She wasn't my only friend by a long shot. Nice vanity there.

Later that day she sent me a message saying she was going to come to my birthday party after all because she had already been in the mindset that she was going to go (wtf does that even mean?) and didn't see my previous message as any reason not to.

I texted back that No, she's no longer invited, and I would not let her sit at the table and it would cause a scene that would embarrass us both.

She called me childish.

I responded that I was too upset to see her that night.

She said fine, but I better have a good reason to tell people why she wasn't there.

Only one person asked, I said she couldn't make it, and we didn't mention her the rest of the night.

Now I am thoroughly exhausted of her. I didn't reply to her big long hate message and still won't and this is the last time I will mention her on LJ. I don't need such a poisonous person in my life.

I feel a little better having purged all this though.

Tomorrow I'll post a normal entry with stuff about my party and other things. I just had to get this off my chest.
straightrhodes: (anatomy | skeleton back)
The end of the semester just completely snuck up on me. I can't believe classes are over. What's up with that? Now I'm feeling all sad and shit because this is really the end of an era.

The biggest chunk of my college friends are leaving at the end of July. Erin's off to Hawaii. Sabrina's going to Georgia. I'm not sure where Laurel is going but she wants to find a journalism job. Chase is graduating. Kim is graduating. So many other people too. The only friends I'll have left, really friends, are Laura, Jennifer, and Sarah. And I'm just not as close to them as I want to be, as maybe I could be if I just manned up and tried a little harder.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to pull away from everyone, as is my wont to do, and just end up lonely, only communicating with my family. It's happened before. I need to try harder at making friends but I actually have a really hard time doing so. A horrible, awful 4th and 5th grade spent being teased by my whole class (their favorite name for me was The Germ) and alienated to the point that I just wanted to die at the age of ten made it so putting myself out there to strangers is nearly impossible. Honestly I've always relied on Erin, Erin's friends became my friends and how shitty is that? All she does anymore is piss me off and stress me out but I'm so scared I won't be able to get friends on my own if she leaves.

When did I become so pathetic?

Shit. I know part of this is just that we've been messing with my anti-depressants so my depression is getting the best of me again, but a lot of it is real concern too.

It doesn't help that my dad is always ragging on me. "Why don't you hang out with your friends on campus?" "Why don't you eat lunch with them?" "Why don't you go out more" He wants me to be more the 'typical college kid' which includes eating lunch with friends and wearing t-shirts and jeans everyday (gag me, just gag me). I know he just thinks that's what will make me happy because he remembers his undergrad years as being so great but it really grates on me how hard he pushes.

I'm so sorry to my flist for this stupid rant too but I think I just really needed to get it all out.

Now to make me feel better some things I'm looking forward to:
1. Sabrina and Jamil's wedding. Rehearsal is Friday, wedding Saturday. I'm so excited.
2. Working at Ashland, even if I'm not getting paid
3. Cape Cod (I go every year but I still really enjoy it, mostly)
4. New York City with Laurel (I hope, I hope, I hope)
5. Cleaning my room (I actually enjoy the process of doing this but haven't gotten around to it in um months.)
straightrhodes: (One of Those Days)
That trip I was so excited about? 6 weeks in Japan? It's been cancelled. No explanation why, just a note from the advisor of the Japan study abroad programs "regretfully informing" us that's its cancelled and the see him to talk about alternative programs.

THERE ARE NO FUCKING ALTERNATIVE PROGRAMS FOR ME Most of the other programs either cost twice as much or require a GPA I don't have or both. The only one that doesn't goes to some dirt poor village in the middle of Nowhere Fucking Mexico teaching little brats English. The only Spanish I speak? Enchilada and Taco.

This was the only time I had for study abroad and now it's just not going to happen.

I want to cry. I have been crying. Shit, I'm tearing up now.

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with me summer now. Probably work, if I can find a job, which is doubtful. The only places hiring in Lexington is Wal-Mart and I'd rather put a fucking bullet in my brain before I ever work in that cesspool.

When I told my mom she said "We'll come up with something." No we won't. My parents were going to scrounge and scrape and borrow if need be for me to go on this program. They wouldn't do that for anything less than school. Then she suggested going "out west" which means driving around the middle of fucking nowhere Montana looking at dirt and trees and mountains. No. Just No. I don't Nature I want Cities, and Culture, and Art, and Excitement. My mom wants to go out west, she's been trying to cajole us in to it for years now.

Shit. Now I'm full-blown crying.

So most likely what will happen is I'll spend this summer doing nothing. Just like I did last summer. I'll visit my Mamaw in (again) middle of fucking nowhere North Carolina. Where I'll have to listen to her bitch at me to do things like mop her floors and vaccum her rugs and put up with her correcting my perfectly fine driving. (You go 45 in a 50 zone and you're driving too fast for her). No internet, no cell phone, no civilization, just basic satellite tv. Then I'll go up to Cape Cod, which I've only done for the las 21 years of my life. Where I'll get to put up with my Dad's family, listen to my mom bitch about my dad's family, explain to my dad that I just don't do swimming in the ocean (or a lake or a pool), and basically spend two weeks without internet (again) and trying to convince my dad to do something. We'll spend one day in Boston doing what I want and Shopping (because we are always there for my birthday, so instead of getting drunk with my friends at a club I'll be having a stuffy dinner with my 98 year old grandfather), then we'll come home. And I will continue to wallow until School starts back up.

Shit. I know I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion. I'm just so sad, and angry, and dissapointed. And you know what, I'm jealous. Of all my friends that have gotten to do study abroad, because I can honestly say that three/fourths of them have. All my friends are leaving at the end of this semester too. Going to Grad school or to get a job, but not me. I'm not graduating on time so I'm just going to stay in fucking Lexington. I hate Lexington. There is nothing here. Honestly nothing. I was excited when we got a Sephora, so that should tell you the state of the shopping around here. There is very little club scene, which I'm not in to anyway. No museums, little theater. There's horse racing two months out of the year but I just don't care. And there's basketball, one of the worst sports around to watch, I could put up with Baseball, but our minor league team sucks.

God this has turned in to an awfully long rant. I'm sorry. I guess I just needed to vent. I also need sad music. Apparently I have none.

Also: I'd hate to know what I'd feel like if I weren't on anti-depressants.

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December 2011

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