straightrhodes: (text | frickin' reality)
|| I should be doing my term paper on Hokusai, but instead I am procrastinating! Fuck yeah!

|| Halloween! I passed out candy BUT WE RAN OUT 45 MINUTES BEFORE THE END OF TRICK OR TREATING! I BOUGHT OVER 300 PIECES. And now there is no left over candy :C

|| Suggest Tumblr blogs for me to follow. I'm starting to get the hang of tumblr but would like more to explore. Ya'll know what's relevant to my interests, lol.

|| So I ended up spending 120 dollars on a new radio for my car, which suuucksss, but it does sound awesome, so yay?

|| SugoiCon this weekend. I'M REALLY NOT PREPARED.

|| Hawaii Five-0 tonight was pretty good but my dislike for Lori has only solidified. I think it's a combination of poor writing and poor acting, which basically just means there is nothing to redeem her at all.

|| There was something else. I know there was something else, but now I can't think of it, grrr.

|| Okay, I might have had a bit of that Halloween candy myself, and then some soda to wash it down. I FEEL SO HYPER!
straightrhodes: (wc | el doesn't buy yo shit)
|| So my knee still really fucking hurts. Not only that but it pops a lot when I walk and every now and then it just feels like it gets all week. I'm afraid to climb stairs because it especially acts funky then and I'm scared of falling. I've been putting off starting physical therapy because I thought it might heal by itself, but I'm pretty much convinced now that it won't. I guess I'll have to start looking in to some therapists. But OMG I don't wanna.

|| So other than my knee being a bitch I'm doing ok. I'm not sick anymore so that's good. Unfortunately when I was sick last week I missed my Italian midterm, so I gotta make that sucker up tomorrow, ugh.

|| I finally caught up to S2 of Hawaii Five-0. I don't totally hate the season but I do have some issues, mostly with this new character Lori. I don't hate her cause she's new or cause she flirts with Steve, like 80 percent of the fandom, it's just that she's such a weak character. Supposedly she's there to keep an eye on 5-0 and report back to the new governor, but she hasn't done any of that. Then there's the fact she's some kind of profiler, except she never actually has any insights in to the criminals or the victims. Honest to god Danny last season seemed better with people than she does. Then there is her personality, she doesn't have one. I'm not sure if the writers just aren't sure what they want to do with her yet or if the actress is truly that wooden, but it's not good.

I don't hate the idea of Lori's character, it's just that she brings nothing new to the show. I either want her to gain a personality and some purpose in the show or I want her to leave, I'd be happy with either! Plus they really cut down on Danny, Kono, and Chin's scenes in order to include her and I just don't like that.

Well, the haven't added her to the main credits so I'm hopeful she is not a permanent fixture. Maybe she'll become just a recurring character and not one of the mains? That would be good.

Whatever, the first few eps of the season sucked but it seems to slowly be getting better, so here's hoping.

|| Wow, above long rant was long xD

|| I'm starting a new low-carb diet, well not really a diet, more like a lifestyle change. My doctor recommended it to me because I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Apparently people with PCOS are more prone to diabetes so my doctor said I should eat less sugar and carbs to cut down on my insulin levels. PCOS sufferers often have fluctuating insulin levels which apparently is bad.

Whatever, I just hope I manage to lose weight too. I wouldn't mind losing ten pounds, lol.

|| I'm about 400 words in to my Suits Christmas Exchange fic, but I have the whole thing plotted out already. I'm going to be honest, I don't think I've ever written anything this fluffy in my life. We are talking tiny babbeh kittens level of fluff here.

If my fic was a picture of kittens it would be this one:


Yeah, it's that fluffy.

|| I should probably be working on the papers I have due for my classes but I'm tired and lazy.

|| Car shopping this weekend, very exciting!!!! I am so fucking sick of sharing with my dad, ugh. HE'S NEVER ON TIME FOR ANYTHING!
straightrhodes: (wc | coffee timez)
God, I fucking suck. I'm sorry I have so totally failed when it comes to posting and commenting and shit. I actually do usually read everyone's entries, but something about commenting or even replying to my own comments just seems so hard. Which is so utterly ridiculous. Somehow just getting up the motivation to do anything that requires putting my thoughts down in coherent words is completely beyond me it seems.

That segues nicely in to my topic: grieving fucking sucks. You know that five stages of grief idea? Yeah, that's complete and utter bullshit. DON'T BELIEVE IT~

I'll tell you how grief works.

You'll be completely fine one minute, and then you're totally blindsided by this overwhelming feeling of sad. It's not even sorrow because that's the first couple weeks when everything in the world makes you cry. This isn't sharp like that. Just a bone deep feeling of sadness that's always waiting for a quiet moment to sneak up and wrap around your heart so all you feel is 'I miss them. I hate this. I wish they were here.'. So you never want those quiet moments. You try to stay busy and distracted because if you sit and you think you just get drowned in all these feelings.

Feelings suck.

And you know, sometimes it still doesn't seem real. And it's not denial. I know it's real and she's gone and I'm never going to see her again or talk to her again or hug her again.

The days just keep marching on and before you even realize it you're building a new life without them because it never stops even when they're gone.

Shit. I didn't mean for this to be all about my mom again.

So since I'm having such trouble with my writing I'm thinking about trying to write for some of the Kink Memes that are around. I probably would not be writing the actual kinky stuff, because I think I would die of spontaneous combustion should I try, but maybe trying to write short little things for prompts will get me back in the creative mood. Do any of you have any prompts for me? I'll write for Suits, Sherlock, White Collar, KHR, and a handful of other things. Mostly Gen.

School is going well. I'm liking Italian, even if I can't roll my r's.

I'll be going to SugoiCon in November. I just booked my room. I'm so excited but I'm not sure I'll be cosplaying this year.
straightrhodes: (text | don't keep calm)
So you all know how I've been having problems with Erin lately. Well eventually she told my she wasn't coming to my Birthday party because she needed to pack for her move THAT'S NOT UNTIL AUGUST! We emailed back and forth (her calling my a bitch at one point) and she said she would come if it was so important to me at which point I told her not to bother because we were both clearly upset and neither of us would enjoy it.

A couple hours later I decided that enough was enough. Erin hasn't been a real friend to me in about a year. Has in fact been incredibly rude and hurtful at times. So I wrote her a message saying that I thought it would be best if we didn't hang out or talk for a while.

I made sure to state that:

1. We were both at fault
2. Neither of us were happy
3. We had grown up in to different people than we were at 11
4. I still care for her and will always love her
5. I hope we could be friends again one day
6. It wasn't a personal attack against her

She sent me back a message I can only describe as hateful (and largely untrue). The main bullet points:

1. She wasn't apologizing because she had apologized enough
- Truth: I never asked her to apologize in my letter, and I can't even remember the last time she apologized to me even though I apologized to her all the time.

2. I apparently think I never make mistakes
- Truth: I stated in my letter three times that I too was part of the problem, that it wasn't all on her

3. Finally you got the message that I was tired of you
- Truth: She's constantly inviting me to do things. Also, that's just plain mean to say

4. One of the main reasons I was keeping up with you there for awhile was because you were storing my stuff at your house
- Truth: I stored upwards of twenty-five boxes of stuff at my house for her, in the garage and my dining room, for almost two years. Free of charge. It was constantly in the way even though I assured her several times it was fine. I have never asked her for a favor of that magnitude. I once asked her to pet sit and paid her 12 dollars a day to do it.

5. I felt I could tell you my problems, but you betrayed me by telling your mom.
-Truth: I listened to her bitch and moan and whine over everything from money, to class, to her mother/boyfriends/other friends, to her eating-disorder-she-refused-to-call-an-eating-disorder, to her job, everything. When I tried to talk about my problems she refused to listen. And yeah I told my mom. Telling my mom is like telling my shrink. Plus sometimes I was concerned about her and thought getting the advice of an adult would be best.

6. I never considered you my best friend and never told you as to not hurt your feelings
- Truth: Whether she admitted it or not I was her best friend. I was the one she went to for help, and who did her favors, and listened to everything. And actually every time she got mad at me she pulled that one out.

7. You think the world owes you everything just because you are who you are
- Truth: Everything I have I either worked hard for or my parents did. Erin's parents on the other hand were losers who didn't go to college when the could have (Her mom had a full scholarship and didn't take it so she could mess around being a hippie). Erin now thinks that the government and her colleges should provide her everything because of her parents low income. I get no financial aid and no help from the school.

8. I was trying to be the mature adult and be nice to you
- Truth: One, it's not mature to be attacking me like this, and two, being a mature adult isn't about hiding your feelings but talking about them calmly and rationally.

9. I've gone through a few friend break-ups so one more isn't going to hurt me
- Truth: This was my first. And I'm actually still friends with most of the people she 'broke up' with. What does that say about her?

10. I'm sorry Sabrina's moving away, now you two can't talk about me and you'll be lonely
- Truth: Me and Sabrina don't just talk about her, she has been awful to Sabrina (who is just about the kindest person ever) and I do have several other friends at university. She wasn't my only friend by a long shot. Nice vanity there.

Later that day she sent me a message saying she was going to come to my birthday party after all because she had already been in the mindset that she was going to go (wtf does that even mean?) and didn't see my previous message as any reason not to.

I texted back that No, she's no longer invited, and I would not let her sit at the table and it would cause a scene that would embarrass us both.

She called me childish.

I responded that I was too upset to see her that night.

She said fine, but I better have a good reason to tell people why she wasn't there.

Only one person asked, I said she couldn't make it, and we didn't mention her the rest of the night.

Now I am thoroughly exhausted of her. I didn't reply to her big long hate message and still won't and this is the last time I will mention her on LJ. I don't need such a poisonous person in my life.

I feel a little better having purged all this though.

Tomorrow I'll post a normal entry with stuff about my party and other things. I just had to get this off my chest.

Urgh

Jun. 3rd, 2011 06:33 pm
straightrhodes: (text | f*ck is always apropos)
So sorry I haven't posted in so long! But I come baring excuses reasons:

1. On the way home from Mamaw's someone stole my wallet out of my car at a shell station in Tennesee. SOMEONE STOLE MY FUCKING WALLET! Everything just gone! 100 dollars cash, all my credit cards, my debit card, my id, my uni id, everything.

2. So I've been trying to replace all of it and in the meantime all I can do is bum my mother's debit card whenever I need anything.

3. Hung out with Laurel before she left to start her internship. We saw Source Code which is actually really, really good. I was surprised how interesting it was. We also discussed our plans to go to New York City in August (which will be incredibly, awfully hot but is the only time we both have free).

4. Still trying to work things out at Ashland for my internship. The wallet fiasco distracted me.

5. I am tired. Just tired. I will try to have a better post up soon.
straightrhodes: (anatomy | skeleton back)
The end of the semester just completely snuck up on me. I can't believe classes are over. What's up with that? Now I'm feeling all sad and shit because this is really the end of an era.

The biggest chunk of my college friends are leaving at the end of July. Erin's off to Hawaii. Sabrina's going to Georgia. I'm not sure where Laurel is going but she wants to find a journalism job. Chase is graduating. Kim is graduating. So many other people too. The only friends I'll have left, really friends, are Laura, Jennifer, and Sarah. And I'm just not as close to them as I want to be, as maybe I could be if I just manned up and tried a little harder.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to pull away from everyone, as is my wont to do, and just end up lonely, only communicating with my family. It's happened before. I need to try harder at making friends but I actually have a really hard time doing so. A horrible, awful 4th and 5th grade spent being teased by my whole class (their favorite name for me was The Germ) and alienated to the point that I just wanted to die at the age of ten made it so putting myself out there to strangers is nearly impossible. Honestly I've always relied on Erin, Erin's friends became my friends and how shitty is that? All she does anymore is piss me off and stress me out but I'm so scared I won't be able to get friends on my own if she leaves.

When did I become so pathetic?

Shit. I know part of this is just that we've been messing with my anti-depressants so my depression is getting the best of me again, but a lot of it is real concern too.

It doesn't help that my dad is always ragging on me. "Why don't you hang out with your friends on campus?" "Why don't you eat lunch with them?" "Why don't you go out more" He wants me to be more the 'typical college kid' which includes eating lunch with friends and wearing t-shirts and jeans everyday (gag me, just gag me). I know he just thinks that's what will make me happy because he remembers his undergrad years as being so great but it really grates on me how hard he pushes.

I'm so sorry to my flist for this stupid rant too but I think I just really needed to get it all out.

Now to make me feel better some things I'm looking forward to:
1. Sabrina and Jamil's wedding. Rehearsal is Friday, wedding Saturday. I'm so excited.
2. Working at Ashland, even if I'm not getting paid
3. Cape Cod (I go every year but I still really enjoy it, mostly)
4. New York City with Laurel (I hope, I hope, I hope)
5. Cleaning my room (I actually enjoy the process of doing this but haven't gotten around to it in um months.)

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