straightrhodes: (text | frickin' reality)
Blargh, I hate rain. It's been raining here forever.

Other news: Me and Erin avoided a big fight today, and I'm very proud of us both.

For those of you who don't know Erin is my best friend and probably worst enemy. We have a dangerously co-dependent relationship that over the years has swung from massive highs to unsafe lows. We fight and hurt each other but we always veered back to each other because at the end of the day we're closer than sisters and we always feel like we need each other.

It's not really the healthiest relationship.

Well for pretty much the first half of this year we were intent on driving the other mad, fighting all the time and pretty much being as hurtful as possible. It cumulated in a huge blowout over my birthday party and we both ended up saying things we didn't mean but couldn't take back. We decided to end the friendship.

Then my mom died.

And Erin was wonderful. She was so good with me and a huge comfort the first three weeks after, before she had to leave for Hawaii where she is going to grad school. Still we text and talk quite often and have both, though not in so many words, decided to try harder.

That was the problem, we both got so comfortable in our friendship that we stopped trying, and it was the lack of effort more than anything that killed our friendship.

Today we were having a conversation via texting about my potentially coming to Hawaii in May. I mentioned that if I came in May rather than over spring break I could spend a week in Honolulu and then a week hopping the other islands. Erin mentioned she hadn't gotten to see the other islands yet and I said she could come with me if she had the time.

Erin misunderstood. She thought I didn't really want her to do it and didn't really care to have her company, that I was using her as an excuse to visit Hawaii. She got upset because she felt excluded.

I explained I hadn't meant it like that at all, and I admit my original message was worded poorly. I just didn't want to impose or take up too much of her time. She had mentioned the possibility of summer courses to me a couple days ago and I hadn't wanted her to feel like she was obligated to entertain me when she had class or work to worry about.

Before, even before things got really really bad, I would have snapped back at her, and neither of us would have bothered explaining our thought processes out. Now I feel like we try a little harder to be clearer and more understanding with each other. I'm really hopeful that our friendship is heading to a better place, and I think it will if we both manage to hold on to our admittedly bad tempers.

Other than that life is really normal, like depressingly normal.
straightrhodes: (wc | coffee timez)
God, I fucking suck. I'm sorry I have so totally failed when it comes to posting and commenting and shit. I actually do usually read everyone's entries, but something about commenting or even replying to my own comments just seems so hard. Which is so utterly ridiculous. Somehow just getting up the motivation to do anything that requires putting my thoughts down in coherent words is completely beyond me it seems.

That segues nicely in to my topic: grieving fucking sucks. You know that five stages of grief idea? Yeah, that's complete and utter bullshit. DON'T BELIEVE IT~

I'll tell you how grief works.

You'll be completely fine one minute, and then you're totally blindsided by this overwhelming feeling of sad. It's not even sorrow because that's the first couple weeks when everything in the world makes you cry. This isn't sharp like that. Just a bone deep feeling of sadness that's always waiting for a quiet moment to sneak up and wrap around your heart so all you feel is 'I miss them. I hate this. I wish they were here.'. So you never want those quiet moments. You try to stay busy and distracted because if you sit and you think you just get drowned in all these feelings.

Feelings suck.

And you know, sometimes it still doesn't seem real. And it's not denial. I know it's real and she's gone and I'm never going to see her again or talk to her again or hug her again.

The days just keep marching on and before you even realize it you're building a new life without them because it never stops even when they're gone.

Shit. I didn't mean for this to be all about my mom again.

So since I'm having such trouble with my writing I'm thinking about trying to write for some of the Kink Memes that are around. I probably would not be writing the actual kinky stuff, because I think I would die of spontaneous combustion should I try, but maybe trying to write short little things for prompts will get me back in the creative mood. Do any of you have any prompts for me? I'll write for Suits, Sherlock, White Collar, KHR, and a handful of other things. Mostly Gen.

School is going well. I'm liking Italian, even if I can't roll my r's.

I'll be going to SugoiCon in November. I just booked my room. I'm so excited but I'm not sure I'll be cosplaying this year.
straightrhodes: (poke | pikachu mustache)
\\ Leaving to visit my grandmother tomorrow. I'll be gone a week to Golden Valley, NC. Also known as THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. For serious. I will not have cell reception while I'm there, and no internet. Unless of course I drive the thirty minutes to Marion. In which case I can get online with my phone. I MIGHT DRIVE TO MARION JUST TO GET AWAY FROM MY GRANDMOTHER. She is wonderful and I love her but she drives me batty.

\\ So tomorrow I have SIX FREAKIN' HOURS WORTH OF DRIVING TO DO! All by my lonesome~ Thank god I can hook my iPod up to my car stereo.

\\ I don't really know what I'm going to do in NC. Probably play a lot of The Sims. Also work on some fics. Maybe rewatch the entire first season of Sherlock? Also whatever my Mamaw tells me to do.

\\ It's raining here. Why is it raining here? That makes me sad :(

\\ OMG! Completely random but did anyone watch the season finale of Bones? I nearly died, for serious.

\\ I've had crazy insomnia the last 5 nights. I started on a birth control pill to try and regulate my hormone levels and I think it might be keeping me up. However the insomnia is slowly getting better so I think I'll be okay.


straightrhodes: (Default)

December 2011

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