straightrhodes: (text | frickin' reality)
Blargh, I hate rain. It's been raining here forever.

Other news: Me and Erin avoided a big fight today, and I'm very proud of us both.

For those of you who don't know Erin is my best friend and probably worst enemy. We have a dangerously co-dependent relationship that over the years has swung from massive highs to unsafe lows. We fight and hurt each other but we always veered back to each other because at the end of the day we're closer than sisters and we always feel like we need each other.

It's not really the healthiest relationship.

Well for pretty much the first half of this year we were intent on driving the other mad, fighting all the time and pretty much being as hurtful as possible. It cumulated in a huge blowout over my birthday party and we both ended up saying things we didn't mean but couldn't take back. We decided to end the friendship.

Then my mom died.

And Erin was wonderful. She was so good with me and a huge comfort the first three weeks after, before she had to leave for Hawaii where she is going to grad school. Still we text and talk quite often and have both, though not in so many words, decided to try harder.

That was the problem, we both got so comfortable in our friendship that we stopped trying, and it was the lack of effort more than anything that killed our friendship.

Today we were having a conversation via texting about my potentially coming to Hawaii in May. I mentioned that if I came in May rather than over spring break I could spend a week in Honolulu and then a week hopping the other islands. Erin mentioned she hadn't gotten to see the other islands yet and I said she could come with me if she had the time.

Erin misunderstood. She thought I didn't really want her to do it and didn't really care to have her company, that I was using her as an excuse to visit Hawaii. She got upset because she felt excluded.

I explained I hadn't meant it like that at all, and I admit my original message was worded poorly. I just didn't want to impose or take up too much of her time. She had mentioned the possibility of summer courses to me a couple days ago and I hadn't wanted her to feel like she was obligated to entertain me when she had class or work to worry about.

Before, even before things got really really bad, I would have snapped back at her, and neither of us would have bothered explaining our thought processes out. Now I feel like we try a little harder to be clearer and more understanding with each other. I'm really hopeful that our friendship is heading to a better place, and I think it will if we both manage to hold on to our admittedly bad tempers.


Other than that life is really normal, like depressingly normal.
straightrhodes: (text | don't keep calm)
So you all know how I've been having problems with Erin lately. Well eventually she told my she wasn't coming to my Birthday party because she needed to pack for her move THAT'S NOT UNTIL AUGUST! We emailed back and forth (her calling my a bitch at one point) and she said she would come if it was so important to me at which point I told her not to bother because we were both clearly upset and neither of us would enjoy it.

A couple hours later I decided that enough was enough. Erin hasn't been a real friend to me in about a year. Has in fact been incredibly rude and hurtful at times. So I wrote her a message saying that I thought it would be best if we didn't hang out or talk for a while.

I made sure to state that:

1. We were both at fault
2. Neither of us were happy
3. We had grown up in to different people than we were at 11
4. I still care for her and will always love her
5. I hope we could be friends again one day
6. It wasn't a personal attack against her

She sent me back a message I can only describe as hateful (and largely untrue). The main bullet points:

1. She wasn't apologizing because she had apologized enough
- Truth: I never asked her to apologize in my letter, and I can't even remember the last time she apologized to me even though I apologized to her all the time.

2. I apparently think I never make mistakes
- Truth: I stated in my letter three times that I too was part of the problem, that it wasn't all on her

3. Finally you got the message that I was tired of you
- Truth: She's constantly inviting me to do things. Also, that's just plain mean to say

4. One of the main reasons I was keeping up with you there for awhile was because you were storing my stuff at your house
- Truth: I stored upwards of twenty-five boxes of stuff at my house for her, in the garage and my dining room, for almost two years. Free of charge. It was constantly in the way even though I assured her several times it was fine. I have never asked her for a favor of that magnitude. I once asked her to pet sit and paid her 12 dollars a day to do it.

5. I felt I could tell you my problems, but you betrayed me by telling your mom.
-Truth: I listened to her bitch and moan and whine over everything from money, to class, to her mother/boyfriends/other friends, to her eating-disorder-she-refused-to-call-an-eating-disorder, to her job, everything. When I tried to talk about my problems she refused to listen. And yeah I told my mom. Telling my mom is like telling my shrink. Plus sometimes I was concerned about her and thought getting the advice of an adult would be best.

6. I never considered you my best friend and never told you as to not hurt your feelings
- Truth: Whether she admitted it or not I was her best friend. I was the one she went to for help, and who did her favors, and listened to everything. And actually every time she got mad at me she pulled that one out.

7. You think the world owes you everything just because you are who you are
- Truth: Everything I have I either worked hard for or my parents did. Erin's parents on the other hand were losers who didn't go to college when the could have (Her mom had a full scholarship and didn't take it so she could mess around being a hippie). Erin now thinks that the government and her colleges should provide her everything because of her parents low income. I get no financial aid and no help from the school.

8. I was trying to be the mature adult and be nice to you
- Truth: One, it's not mature to be attacking me like this, and two, being a mature adult isn't about hiding your feelings but talking about them calmly and rationally.

9. I've gone through a few friend break-ups so one more isn't going to hurt me
- Truth: This was my first. And I'm actually still friends with most of the people she 'broke up' with. What does that say about her?

10. I'm sorry Sabrina's moving away, now you two can't talk about me and you'll be lonely
- Truth: Me and Sabrina don't just talk about her, she has been awful to Sabrina (who is just about the kindest person ever) and I do have several other friends at university. She wasn't my only friend by a long shot. Nice vanity there.

Later that day she sent me a message saying she was going to come to my birthday party after all because she had already been in the mindset that she was going to go (wtf does that even mean?) and didn't see my previous message as any reason not to.

I texted back that No, she's no longer invited, and I would not let her sit at the table and it would cause a scene that would embarrass us both.

She called me childish.

I responded that I was too upset to see her that night.

She said fine, but I better have a good reason to tell people why she wasn't there.

Only one person asked, I said she couldn't make it, and we didn't mention her the rest of the night.

Now I am thoroughly exhausted of her. I didn't reply to her big long hate message and still won't and this is the last time I will mention her on LJ. I don't need such a poisonous person in my life.

I feel a little better having purged all this though.

Tomorrow I'll post a normal entry with stuff about my party and other things. I just had to get this off my chest.
straightrhodes: (Default)
|| The Wedding is over! OMG! i die

|| The wedding was beautiful and perfect, now let me explain my day to you all.

8 am - Wake Up, shower, do hair, make up, sew belt loop on dress, get dressed
9:20 - Leave, drive to church, eat a nutrigrain bar in car
9:55 - Arrive at Church
10 - Melissa and Hannah (bridesmaid and maid of honor respectively) ask if I can drive to Sabrina's mother's house to get the flower girl flowers that were left in the fridge. It's a half hour drive each way. The wedding starts at 11.
10:05 - I leave church and speed all the way across town
10:55 - I arrive back at church with flowers. First thing Erin says when I walk in the church, "About time! Where were you? I've had to do everything myself!" To which I reply that I had to go get the flowers (that are obviously in my hand). She rolls her eyes
11 - Wedding. So beautiful. I almost cried
11:30 - Leave church (again) and drive to reception site
12:00 - Find out I've been stuck with Erin and her friend (loser friend, it needs to be said) Tyler at a table. Luckily there are also two strangers I can talk to as well. I have my first glass of wine
12:30 - Sabrina and Jamil Arrive. They announce arrival of special guest that we have been told about since March. No one knows who this is except Sabrina and Jamil and their parents and Hannah. The guest? Abraham Lincoln. They brought in an impersonator. He gave a speech. It was epic.
1:00 - We eat. It was yummy. I have my second glass of wine.
1:45 - Cake. It was also yummy. I switch to coke.
2:00 - Toasts and speeches. I have my third glass of wine.
2:15 - First dance. Austen leaves to get in to Gorilla suit. Comes back as a gorilla in a tux jacket. I am not even joking. The reception gets even more epic when inflatables are thrown on to the dance floor. These include a bass, a dinosaur, a moose head, and a cooked turkey inflatables. We all proceed to act stupid and play 'Keep off the floor' with the inflatable turkey.
3:00ish - Becca and Hannah are thanking me for 'saving the wedding' or at least Sabrina's sanity that morning. I ask if Erin knew what I was doing. They say yes she did. I get pissed off. I have my fourth glass of wine.
3:10ish - I find Erin complaining about me not helping her in the church that morning to Sarah, who had been late to the wedding herself helping to set up the reception area and decorate the wedding cake. I snap at Erin "I was getting the flowers. You know that. It was thirty minutes to Dr. Lawler's house and then thirty minutes back! I managed to do it in 50, counting the time it took to find the flowers in the house!. I was there at 9:55, you didn't show up until 10:20, 20 minutes later than Sabrina asked you and you've been complaining about not getting to sleep in on a Saturday, so please stop acting so put upon and lying to people!" Erin gets pissy and storms off. Sarah rolls her eyes and asks me if I'm okay and says not to take Erin seriously because they all know I've done a lot more for Sabrina and for the wedding than Erin has.
3:20ish - I switch to water and then dance with Austen (still in the gorilla suit), and Daisuke (who's wearing a yukata). Erin glares at me cause Daisuke is her ex. (which might be why I danced with him)
3:40ish - Seth, Chase, and Austen seranade Sabrina and Jamil to the tune of 80's pop hit, that I can not for the life of me remember now.
3:50 - Bouqet gets tossed. Everyone unmarried (male, female, divorced, widowed whatever) has to try and catch as per Sabrina's order. Jamil's dad catches it.
4 - I leave to go home.

||In short, it was pretty much the greatest wedding I've ever been to. Erin and her self-centeredness non-withstanding. I don't know what the hell Erin's problems are but she's been getting worse and worse. Everyone has noticed. Sabrina said at her bachelorette's party that she wished she hadn't made Erin an usher and had made Sarah one instead. All Erin cares about is herself. She had the audacity to snap at Sabrina at Sabrina's reception for telling someone that Erin was vegan. She was telling Jamil's dad, who is also vegan. Erin said that Sabrina shouldn't be telling her business.

||Ugh. I've already started distancing myself from Erin because it's just not worth it anymore. I kind of can't wait for her to be gone.

|| Now, art! I haven't drawn in ages but I doodled these two things while waiting for my mom one day. They aren't very good and I drew them in a tiny 4 inch by 2 inch note book and then took photos with my phone, but still, ART!
Cut for your convience )

|| Finally, I have a new mix up at [livejournal.com profile] robbing_banks. It's a mix for Moriarty from Sherlock BBC.
straightrhodes: (anatomy | skeleton back)
The end of the semester just completely snuck up on me. I can't believe classes are over. What's up with that? Now I'm feeling all sad and shit because this is really the end of an era.

The biggest chunk of my college friends are leaving at the end of July. Erin's off to Hawaii. Sabrina's going to Georgia. I'm not sure where Laurel is going but she wants to find a journalism job. Chase is graduating. Kim is graduating. So many other people too. The only friends I'll have left, really friends, are Laura, Jennifer, and Sarah. And I'm just not as close to them as I want to be, as maybe I could be if I just manned up and tried a little harder.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to pull away from everyone, as is my wont to do, and just end up lonely, only communicating with my family. It's happened before. I need to try harder at making friends but I actually have a really hard time doing so. A horrible, awful 4th and 5th grade spent being teased by my whole class (their favorite name for me was The Germ) and alienated to the point that I just wanted to die at the age of ten made it so putting myself out there to strangers is nearly impossible. Honestly I've always relied on Erin, Erin's friends became my friends and how shitty is that? All she does anymore is piss me off and stress me out but I'm so scared I won't be able to get friends on my own if she leaves.

When did I become so pathetic?

Shit. I know part of this is just that we've been messing with my anti-depressants so my depression is getting the best of me again, but a lot of it is real concern too.

It doesn't help that my dad is always ragging on me. "Why don't you hang out with your friends on campus?" "Why don't you eat lunch with them?" "Why don't you go out more" He wants me to be more the 'typical college kid' which includes eating lunch with friends and wearing t-shirts and jeans everyday (gag me, just gag me). I know he just thinks that's what will make me happy because he remembers his undergrad years as being so great but it really grates on me how hard he pushes.

I'm so sorry to my flist for this stupid rant too but I think I just really needed to get it all out.

Now to make me feel better some things I'm looking forward to:
1. Sabrina and Jamil's wedding. Rehearsal is Friday, wedding Saturday. I'm so excited.
2. Working at Ashland, even if I'm not getting paid
3. Cape Cod (I go every year but I still really enjoy it, mostly)
4. New York City with Laurel (I hope, I hope, I hope)
5. Cleaning my room (I actually enjoy the process of doing this but haven't gotten around to it in um months.)
straightrhodes: (khr | get off my lawn!)
# Finally finished and posted that Sherlock fic. It ended up being more than 6500 words, haha. I found a truly wonderful lady to beta and brit-pick it for me. It really needed it too!

# OMG! School's almost over! *hyperventilates and dies*

# I have SO MUCH TO DO once school is over. It's all shit I've been putting of. (I've been using school as an excuse so I'll have to find a new one soon.)

1. Clean Room
2. Clean out fridge
3. Finish training at Ashland
4. Prepare for Sabrina's Wedding
5. Finish redecorating Bathroom
6. Buy new bed at Ikea (and you know, put it together)
7. Clean out closet
8. More (there is always more)

# Chinese project is going well I think. We're writing about two of director Zhang Yimou's movies, Raise the Red Lantern and Under the Hawthorn Tree. THEY ARE BOTH SO SAD!

# Me and Laurel hope to spend about 5 days in New York City this summer! OMG! It will be so much fun! I've never been. Every other major city on the East Coast I've been to but not NYC. I WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT!

# Still training for interning at Ashland. I go on yet another tour tomorrow. Did you know one of Henry Clay's sons was commited to an Insane Asylum?

# ERIN IS DRIVING ME INSANE! And it's weird. I know she's not leaving till July but I already miss her. I think I miss how our friendship used to be. Now we have practically nothing in common and she stresses me out so much. I hate to say it but Erin's kinda a bad friend too. She goes on and on about her life and her problems, but I can't say anything about what stresses me out? I wonder if I'm not clinging to our friendship not for friendship's sake but for my memories.

Also: Who doesn't know what their hobbies are? I asked Erin what she likes to do and she couldn't answer me. How weird is that?

# It has been raining for 5 days. FIVE DAYS It's so depressing!

# Watched the first episode of Aoi no Exorcist. It was good. Maybe I should give the manga another go?

# Sorry to my flist for having to put up with so many rants, especially about Erin.

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